Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
