If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Randomize
