he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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