I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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