Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
