Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize