I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
