I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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