I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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