I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
