Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
