I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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