God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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