I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
