I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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