even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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