your parents love me but you hate me
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
