how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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