I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
