there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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