I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
