Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize