Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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