Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
