i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
