i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just pee around me
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize