There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Randomize
