i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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