Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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