When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
