Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
pray to the hookup gods
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
