So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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