my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
