(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
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