I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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