So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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