My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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