At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
