11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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