My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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