so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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