in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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