My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
