my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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