I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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