It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
