I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
