3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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