At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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