The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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