I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Houston, we have a blender
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
