She said her name was "party"
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
