Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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