Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize