Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
