I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
