well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
