I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
