I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
