i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize