We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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