Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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